Immortals is… Pretty? Still Kinda Bad Though

I have been a big Tarsem Singh fan ever since I saw The Cell. Then I saw The Fall, and became a really big fan. He was 2 for 2 in his films as a director in my eyes, and that is pretty darn good. When I heard Tarsem was going to be the director of the 3-D Greek mythology epic Immortals, I could not have been more excited! Imagining his visual style in 3-D, paired with the vast possibilities of the ancient mythology subject matter, I couldn’t see how this could fail. In theory, it seemed like the perfect idea. This perfect idea however, became a silly, beautiful mess.

Fortunately, I sometimes check Rotten Tomatoes to make sure I’m spending my money wisely before I see a movie in theaters (going to the movies just ain’t the same anymore, $14 tickets?!). Usually I try not to read the specific reviews for fear they will spoil the movie or influence my opinion too much, but I do check the tomatometer. To my surprise and devastation, Immortals was at a dismal 35%. But then again, it was Tarsem’s third movie. I had to go see it anyway. The tomatometer put my ludicrously high expectations in check though, and I am very, very grateful for that.

Immortals tells the story of the Greek Legend Theseus, though not at all faithfully. Theseus (played by future superman Henry Cavill) and the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) are both seeking a mythical bow that has the power to release the titans that were imprisoned by the gods in even more ancient times. The titans are powerful enough to be a threat to the gods, which in turn, I guess gives them the potential to end the world? I’m not really clear on that, or many other plot points for that matter, but this is the basic story. If even Tarsem decided ignore the story, I’m going to assume it’s just not a good story, and it’s probably not really worth going into here either.

Was Tarsem was even trying to tell a story here? He pretty much ignores the plot to focus on the visual. He did do this to some extent with The Cell and The Fall, but in Immortals this is taken to a new level. I’m not sure how much is due to a terrible script, and how much is his choice/ FAULT, but there are countless moments where all I could think was “Huh?”or sometimes simply, “Man that was dumb”.

Theseus often made me think that, because he was incredibly dumb. I’m not going to go into detail, but if you have a super powerful mythical bow that when put in the wrong hands could kill your gods, please be careful with it. Maybe at least look like you’re being careful with it? No? Okay, carry on Theseus.

See? He can't even dress himself.

*SPOILER ALERT*

While I’m at it, I might as well vent about another hilarious scene- the sex scene. Frida and Cavill fall in love, but she’s an oracle. She needs to remain pure to have her visions. The visions are kind of a hassle though, as Theseus points out. Frida is instantly seduced, and decides she wants to get busy. She tells Theseus something to the effect of “ You’re right, visions given to me by the gods are a hassle. Do me!”. Theseus thinks about this (but like I mentioned before, he isn't very good at thinking), so he says “Okay!” Then the team is left with a non-functioning oracle. Congratulations on another fantastic decision you guys.

Yes the movie was annoyingly nonsensical throughout, but believe me, the ending was worse.

*SPOILER ALERT*

"For a god, I've made some poor decisions." - Zeus

Endings can be bad for many reasons. Maybe it doesn’t offer closure. Maybe it drags on too much. Maybe it’s cheesy. But in Immortals the ending confirms what you suspected throughout the preceding hour and a half: this movie is pointless. Theseus fails in stopping Hyperion from releasing the titans, which is especially disappointing because Zeus says fifteen minutes earlier “I put my faith in you, don’t  make me wrong”. When the titans are released, the gods fight them and win. They do suffer heavy loses, and they probably could have used the help of the God of War Ares, but Zeus had killed him earlier. Zeus killed his son/ powerful god just because he tried to help Theseus the idiot not get everyone killed. This brings me to another annoying point; had the gods intervened, they could have killed Hyperion instantly. Zeus tells the gods that anyone who interferes with what is going on on Earth, he will kill, but never gives a reason why. It is a matter of life and death for the humans AND gods, but they are forbidden to defend themselves for some reason? I wish they had given me some answer to that. It didn’t have to be too elaborate, but give me something. Really.

And finally, because he really proved himself, and because his failure left many job openings, Zeus makes Theseus a god. Clearly, he deserved it, and I have no doubt he will prove to be an excellent asset to Greek god team. On the bright side, all the people in the Underworld that died due to his ineptitude won’t have to see his face for all eternity.

So it is fair to say that the plot was a problem. But I will say this, Mickey Rourke is very compelling to watch, as is Luke Evans (Zeus), but they were the exceptions. The dialogue certainly didn’t do any of the actors any favors. I’ve liked many of the actors in other other roles: Henry Cavill on The Tudors, Frida Pinto (who plays the oracle) in Slumdog Millionaire and Stephen Dorff in everything (Cecil B.Demented, Blade, etc.), but they couldn’t do anything with the material. Very unfortunate.

All this being said, I actually didn’t hate it (probably thanks to my high expectations bubble being popped beforehand). It entertained me, if only because it was so visually stunning. It was not a good movie, but it was a very pretty one, and that made it worth watching for me. If you’re expecting anything beyond that though, you will be disappointed.

By the way, seeing this makes me even more scared for Tarsem’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. The trailer was very disturbing, and by disturbing, I mean boring. Maybe Tarsem has lost his touch in going mainstream. Sad face. Well 2 for 4 is still alright, I guess?

Final word:
2 out 5 stars.
Worth it for the visuals, but expectations should be low.